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One More Chance

If I was smart I would have left you by now,
I really don't know what I'm thinking,
I've come to the point where I don't know how I feel,
Its bad when you take me home crying.

But even though I tell people and act like I don't care,
Deep inside I know I do,
Because its those special moments that we share,
That makes me want to be with you.

Maybe its not love, maybe its not lust,
But I do know my feelings are real,
I think that what we need is trust,
And I need to know how you really feel.

I don't have the time to put up with your priorities,
Things need to change now,
Cuz what you do, I cant handle it,
Maybe I need to do something, I just don't know how.

One more chance is what I'm giving you,
Please make us last,
Cuz you're one of the few,
That makes me go back to the past.

For now I'm letting it go,
I'm going to try and forget,
But just to let you know,
I'm not going to forgive.

You hurt me like you'll never understand,
But I'm going to move on,
I'm going to forget if I can...


************************************************ words of Suyan ******************************************

Seasons

Goodbye my friend its hard to die
when all the birds are singing in the sky
And all the birds are everywhere
Pretty girls are everywhere
Think of me and ill be there

Goodbye, Papa, please pray for me.
I was the black sheep of the family.
I tried to write when i was left (unintelligible)
I had bought three turds (alt: I had bought thee turds, I had
bought free turds)
With my geeky gun i would kill birds

All our lives, we had fun.
We had seasons in the sun,
but the stars that we reached
were just starfish on the beach

Goodbye Michelle my little one
you gave me love and helped me find the sun
and every time that I was down
All my tears are salty
I think now i was fought to beat

We had joy. We had fun.
We had seasons in the sun,
but the hills that we climb
were just seasons out of time.



not mine..actually its a song

It was raining

It was raining. Probably, the time was 6:25 pm, I was driving back home. But this very drive was some what related to life, the disturbing experiences that one has in its life, and the cruel experiences that people tolerate. People struggle through life; they want to change the surroundings they have with in the cup of life they are living in to, they bear every pain and look for new shades to come in life. And so was the case me.

I kept on bearing every pain, I kept on the struggle, and I drove on. Another ditch came, I kept driving, another stop sign approached and I kept moving on. This was my life, I wanted to cry, but I froze my tears because I hoped something good would surely await me on a crossroad. Nothing happened.

Atlast, I had to change, and I had to cry. I stopped and came out of the car. I made the rest of the way through the rain, I was crying and I had changed myself to a person I wasn’t. Nobody knew how weak I had become, because no one saw me crying. I am weak now, very weak.

They say time heals, but in fact it makes the wound even worse.

The Urge...

There is this person at my office, whom everyone calls “uncle”. The old guy is in his 80s. What he looks after is, the faxes that attention to any of the senior or middle level managers. The job is not in accordance with his qualifications, but just look at the motivation, devotion and the urge to earn a living. He does not have any problems as far as financials are concerned, he is working all because of the will that he has, the very will and urge to do everything by himself even in this age.

He daily comes to the office and performs his duty with the same urge and the same motivation. Its not just one example there are thousands of other people working just like him and they have set an example in front of us that will makes the way. They clutch to their willingness tighter every passing day.

Lets stand up and solute the strength of their character.

My Lord!

My Lord, am I big enough
to be the smallest grain of sand
which should be as near to you
beneath your foot as you stand
My Lord, I cannot but behold
(for the ability a million thanks)
the magnificence of your being
So much as nobody even can pretend
I am in love with youdare I say you that
lest I fall a while short, so
with your lovers, can I blend?
The sequel that follows through
the journey which I want to end
so I can at least feel the beauty which
surrounds you from end to end
My Lord, can I say?I want to see you
though I am no one to ask
my worth being a speck of dust & nothing more but
My Lord, I do wishto be raised enough to say Salam
and be lucky enough to see the place
The land of Heavens, The lord of Date Palms

My Lord, am I big enough

My Lord, am I big enough

She

She walks in beauty like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that's best of dark and bright

Meet in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellowed to the tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One ray the more, one shade the less

Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress
Or softly lightens o'er her face,
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.
And on that cheek and o'er that brow

So soft, so calm yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow
But tell of days in goodness spent
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent.

-- Lord Byron, (George Gordon)

Dedicated to someone special

Now you know!

I thought there would be time
I used to think I knew the way
Now I’m caught in the madness
Of every suffocating day
There's too much or not enough
It's too soon or a day late
Sometimes I sit and laugh
I guess I just pissed off fate
Too many people talking
I just don’t care anymore
I learned to pretend to listen
Like I used to before
I’m the one that's living this
And no you don’t "know how it feels"
And yes I may wail too much
It's how someone like me deals
What the hell am I running from
It's been so long I forgot
Just stand in one spot
Give a "new start" a shot
So here I am again
New place new people new me
Oh God here I am again
With these demons you cannot see
Don’t tell me it's ok
It'll be better in a year
Nothing seems to take away
This overwhelming fear
It wasn’t till the day
I opened my mind to see
That the monster I was running from
Was the choices made by me
Just stop screwing it up
And now I'll be just fine
I'm glad that night wasn’t the end
And God knew it wasn’t my time.

...Random Thoughts...

As I picked the glass that seemed to be a soul... its bubbles tickling ma nose as I sipped them... sip by sip I felt different emotions engulfing me....

Feelings of sorrow, spite, deceit, off hate, off malice ... feelings that meant nothing yet everything.... I stopped there was yet one sip left... I didn’t have the courage to take it in... I stopped and kept the glass which contained a soul...Did I stop too soon? Maybe that last sip may have had the love or happiness or content I might have longed for ... but somehow I didn’t have the courage... to take in that one last sip... the bubbles still emerging within the glass... sparkling bright ... I left the glass thinking ... should I have opened the Pandora’s box or was it ok that I left it lying there ... alone, lost and waiting for someone to get the soul to feel the last bit of sanity left in it...

The glass still contained part of a soul... the rest was already devoured by mine...

IF

If you have seen the thoughts,
That were in those cries.
If you could imagine,
The evening in my eyes.

If you could see the delight
That I had in simple things
When mirth was flying
on its silvery wings

If only you could touch
The desire everyone's suppose to drink
If only you could reach for the earth
And touch the never-ending sky.

How heart rendering would it be
When this wind was blowing high
If only you could see
The number of times I had to die.

If only you could see
The valiant, brilliant start that
Shines in the hollow my

If only you knew the task
Of god damn victory
If only you knew
The honor of those who lose.
If only you knew the difference
That's not their but mine

If only you knew the part,
The part that was reality
I could have sworn,
oh! I could Have sworn
That yours was not the heart.

Regret

It's not for laws I've broken
That bitter tears I've wept,
But solemn vows I've spoken
And promises unkept;
It's not for sins committed

My heart is full of regrets,
but gentle acts omitted,
Kind deeds I did not do.
I have outlived the blindness,
The selfishness of youth;
The canker of unkindness,
The cruelty of truth;
The searing hurt of rudeness . . .
By mercies great and small,
I've come to reckon goodness
The greatest gift of all.

Let us be helpful ever
to those who are in need,
And each new day endeavour
To do some gentle deed;
For faults beyond our grieving,
What kindliness a tone;
On earth by love achieving
A Heaven of our own.

Innocence

I remember a time when my frail virgin mind
Watched the crimson sunrise, imagined what it might find.
Innocence caressed me. I never felt so young before.
There was so much life to see behind each and every door.

When did I fall from grace? I never realized,
how deep the flood was around me.
Why does it seem that now the magic's worn thin?

My life is now a mystery.
Where did I come from? Where have I been?
My past is uncertain and covered up grim.
Where, I ask, did it all go wrong?
Why can't I sing a warmer song?

I know now who I am. The more I search for my soul,
the more I find myself descending deeper into my coldest
Obscurities. Somebody please show me where to go from here.

Coming back to life
Seize the day. I heard him say
Life should not always be this way
look around, near the sounds
Cherish your life while you're still around.

Here I stand at the crossroad's edge
afraid to reach out for my sanity
I think I finally understand
There is so much more I can be

I keep looking back at someone else
ME !

Never

Never is going to be
soon enough for me
to say goodbye
so don't touch me
Who touched me
sorry but my head
would rather leave a thousand thoughts unsaid
than as air they would chill
in sunshine unpleasing

A Tale of two choices

It was 6:29 am, he was frail, and his soft body and limbs tickled his mother’s arms. The path before him was full of turns, and he was helpless. But he was determined and was glowing with new found warmth. His body surged with the changes that shook the foundation of the self image he may have known. He welcomed himself with the echoes of his very own cries. Safe in the newness of shared body warmth, he looked for the first time at the life so attached to his own. It was a feeling of a life time, relief, joy, and sheer love swept over him when his mother came close to his forehead and brushed it with her lips. He needed not a name, for that was something he had been granted long ago, he was present here way before his birth, he just joined the world now. He was no other than me. Who had just come to life and had two choices before him, the right and wrong, the preference had to be his.

During life I have always encountered two paths, one going to a right way one to the wrong or at times both going to the right way and the choice had to be mine. One has to choose between what one has to go for. At times, I have come across those turns in life which lead to the wrong direction, all of them, not even a single right way out! And I had to choose between the devil and the deep sea. I had to look for the better option, but I still hated myself. Well this is how life goes I guess. You have to spend looking for a better path; the right choice has to be made.

Becoming a self-emotionally separating from our families of origin, choosing what we believe and value and choosing how we live based on our own inner guidance rather than on what is expected of us, is critical for our growth, to our fullness as a person. It is absolutely essential that we learn to distinguish between who we are as individuals and whatever rules we learned to follow automatically because we internalized the do’s and the don’ts, and the should’s and the ought’s of our childhoods.

I think this is what having choice is really about. Knowing we are able to say no, but also being able to say yes; being able to freely choose something we know may be hard and painful and, perhaps, exhausting and even traumatic because our heart tells us it’s the right thing. When we choose instead of unwillingly doing something because we think we must do it, we enter into a whole new existence. This kind of choice may involve actions like publicly taking an unpopular stand, giving away a substantial part of our incomes in support of a cause, giving time in our busy lives to help someone or to work on be-half of something we value, or doing without something we desire in order to help someone we love or to help the planet.

Even in the smallest and in the fastest decisions I have tried to make. I was occupied with once again a number of decisions I could make. And I would always refer to my friends for their help and support. You have to make such an assessment which doesn’t make u feel that u did not take the road that had to be taken. My mind is not frail now; it has learnt a bunch of factors that makes life competitive and makes it sound fun, the aspect that fills color in it, and the thing that makes it adventurous.

You!

I haven't taken a breath
since we last spoke,
and suffocating never felt so good,
but I can't live like this,
between moments,
between spasms of you,
and all the exhaustion of need.
I've thought to call,
but I've never been one
to press buttons on you.